Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
