just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
