My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i dont even know how to be here
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize