Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
