So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
