I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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