Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
