trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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