I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize