Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
