I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
