it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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