When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
