I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
