Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
