Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
