dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
