I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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