The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
