i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
