My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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