put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
