life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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