he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize