Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
