upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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