So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
