just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
