i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He did a backflip because drugs
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
How naked do you want me to be?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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