im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
