Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
