I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
