Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
