I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
