Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
