I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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