remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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