Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
