You can't special order awesome
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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