Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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