Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
