I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
this just has baby written all over it
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I supernannyed him into submission
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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