the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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