I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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