He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
