I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
