Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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