In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
