Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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