The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Congratulations! We have a period
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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