then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
