Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i think i just lost a toe
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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