Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
