I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
