on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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