my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
