im six kinds of drunk right now
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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