can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
