I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Im part way to drunk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
there is glitter all over my balls
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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