you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
